As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Loneliness was like an ogre hovering over those activities

Healing is active involvement in your process, ongoing.

The effectiveness of work increases according to geometrical progression if there are no interruptions.

God didn’t want me to do more for Him. He wanted me to be more with Him.

Feeling like the voice she liked best in all the world was calling her name.

Remember to practice a little every day -- that's crucial.

No toys in the fish tank

Secret guilt is by silence revealed.

The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own, and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end.

I'm still true to my Southern roots.