As astute followers of 'Life in Hell' will notice, Akbar and Jeff wear the same striped T-shirt as Charlie Brown. 'Peanuts' was very important to me.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

The wide awake man seizes opportunities or makes them, and thus those who are widest awake usually come to the front.

He loved her in his mind

The NFL is one of the few sports where it's possible to tear things down and start again.

Actors are inherently self-centered.

It's not at all hard to understand a person; it's only hard to listen without bias

A picture is a thing which requires as much knavery, as much malice, and as much vice as the perpetration of a crime. Make it untrue and add an accent of truth.

You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills," I said. "I just enter. I don't usually break." "You broke down Pitch's door." "Lost my temper." -Ranger and Stephanie

I don't think Harry cares about being forgiven," Poppy said glumly. "Of course he does. Men love to be forgiven. It makes us feel better about our inability to learn from our mistakes.

I always said that the world is a better place because of Joey Ramone

She refers to her past as the time before she was "blown away.