As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

No one alive today has a single ancestor in his or her past who died in infancy. We are the champions, my friend!

Mostly, what people mean by love is laziness.

Entrepreneur, if your going to start up, make sure you start up with excellence in mind.

Nothing says you care like sending someone a kitten.

When we can't dream any longer we die.

In real life there is no such person as the average man.

A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane.

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time, your attention, your love, your concern.

In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.

Each man of us is living his own personal work of art, and cannot evade artistic responsibility for his product.