As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

When we teach a child patience we offer them the gift of a dignified life.

We are not won by arguments that we can analyze but by tone and temper, by the manner which is the man himself.

What Saint has ever won his crown without first contending for it?

A problem is a chance for you to do your best.

The stage is not for me to practice. I'm not that artist. You practice at home and when you get on stage, it's time for a conversation.

autumn days have a holiness that spring lacks ... They are like old serene saints for whom death has lost its terror.

An author who enjoys writing may sometimes please other people by accident, but he can never pass on to any one else the zestful thrill he feels himself.

Those people who don't have any voluntary control, or hands, can work with the physical movement that they can do - whatever voluntary movement they have, even the slightest .

The lowest stage of humanity is experienced when the individual must labour for a small pittance of wages from others.

The purpose of investing is not to simply optimise returns and make yourself rich. The purpose is not to die poor.