As long as you represent me as praising alcohol I shall not complain.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

There’s really only one good writing habit: You must write constantly.

When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.

In my songs, I'm not saying something that's never been said before. The have lyrics aren't going to blow people away. It's the emotion and the melody that drive it home.

I tried ice-skating and wasn't very good at it.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Something will master and something will serve. Either you run the day or the day runs you; either you run the business or the business runs you.

It is important to make the fans that support me feel supported.

It's more than just selling pizzas. It's being a good fit for the community. We hire based on the betterment of the community as much as anything.

The best we can say to God in prayer, is what He has said to us.