As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

It's true that General Musharraf opposes my return, seeing me as a symbol of democracy in the country. He is comfortable with dictatorship. I hope better sense prevails.

I think the country requires fresh leadership. I do not think I can be the captain to take the country to its next destination.

Politics is a science. You can demonstrate that you are right and that others are wrong.

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.

If a woman's young and pretty, I think you can see her good looks all the better for her being plainly dressed.

I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?

I think artists are entitled to their songs. I'm very vocal and I understand that not everybody's gonna like me; it's not for everyone.

You know what I hate, man? Guys that you know haven't seen the film: they just quote a bunch of statistical bullshit.

One does not devote one's life in art to shock an audience.

Baseball fans are pedants, there is no other kind.