As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.

A woman holy duty is to respect a man.

I wanted to cry but I didn't, I probably should have cried, I should have drowned us there in the room ending our suffering.

There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.

True wisdom is to see and understand your relationship with the universe. When you gain that relational knowledge, then you are wise.

Well I took her over to a soda fountain over on Bo's She had an Ice Cream Sundae and a hot cup of Jo She leaned way back just to straighten up her hose Well the ice cream melted and the coffee froze.

I read the New Testament, specifically the gospels and I was struck at their divinity, feeling that humans could not have figured this out on their own. We're just not bright enough.

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.

Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.