As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

If there are many thorns in your life, it is because you are a rose.

I'm not going to get myself hurt." I'm too important to let that happen. ~Jaypaw

Precise knowledge is the only true knowledge, and he who does not teach exactly, does not teach at all.

I don't get why my fans call me yummy. I mean I'm not a sandwich!

Who do you think it was that brought the bottle to her?

f you have been divorced once - male or female, but especially for females - and you’re over 40 you’re actually a commodity. It means you were able to commit once, and you’ll do it again.

Jealous?" "Maybe." "No reason. I like my ladies with a pulse.

It's a perfect day for letting go.

I can only imagine being the most famous person in the world, what that must be like when you go to the grocery store, when you go anywhere.

The proper stuff of fiction' does not exist; everything is the proper stuff of fiction, every feeling, every thought; every quality of brain and spirit is drawn upon; no perception comes amiss.