As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Underachieving people, use little chitchats had with successful people as gate passes to obtain entrance into places their reputation cannot get them.

In fact, other people create for lack of power. I, on the other hand, do not need a work: I live.

The main Objective of any operation in an open file is the eventual Occupation of the seventh or eighth Rank.

If you write enough, you begin to learn to do things. But in a way, you do start from zero each time.

Custom has furnished the only basis which ethics have ever had.

Ibsen was Norwegian by birth, but universal in spirit.

I don't have any furniture of mine in my room.

I wasn't accepted because I didn't accept the drug culture that most of my peers were involved in. Now it's like a locked room.

You must not let your life run in the ordinary way; do something that nobody else has done, something that will dazzle the world. Show that God's creative principle works in you.

I like the idea that [Mahatma] Gandhi is appearing now in an opera hall in all these different places, and people kind of think about it again.