As you can tell from watching the show, I'm not a strong joke writer per se.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant and generally nauseating.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.

It’s mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.

The ultimate goal of education is to gain wisdom from experiences.

Work done by you with unconditional love and pure devotion goes straight in the category of divine and immortal craft.

Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do?

The ball was literally glued to the back of his foot - into the back of the net.

I’ve found that God often lets us taste how sweet he is in our most bitter moments.

When our interests and values are at stake, we have a responsibility to act.

It shall be the policy of this nation to regard any nuclear missile launched from Cuba as an attack by the Soviet Union on the United States.

Suffering is the substance of life and the root of personality, for it is only suffering that makes us persons.

Jan built herself an ivory tower to keep the wolves out; she never dreamed they were already inside.

Love is a bridge over the sea of change. Do not build a house on it.