As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Can I tell from the twilight from which the world is built that I am a sunrise in this life?

Happiness never made anyone rich or famous. That must be why ambitious people avoid it.

How many minutes will still die in the swamp of your illusion of being human?

Perhaps the greatest worry of all was that one day you would realize that all the worries of your life amounted to one thing: the desire to just stop worrying.

The nail that sticks out is hammered down.

There is not a sentence in the world that could respectfully do justice to the life and music of Jerry Garcia.

Perhaps, a sin that humbles you is better than a good deed that makes you arrogant.

I've never got to the bottom of streaking

Just put on the lens and go.

Oh yeah, that's the Holy Grail, Pirates of the Caribbean. Johnny Depp, he's the real deal, isn't he? He doesn't get the girl, and he doesn't care.