Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A tree fears an axe even though its handle is made from it.

You Russians like to think you're poets but perhaps you're just touchy.

Fighting the good fight is not as easy when you’re fighting alone.

Suddenly, she heard a loud bang, a thump and a scream that caused her to jump from the bed. The hair on the back of her neck stood straight up and her body became one big goosebump.

Character is the line in the sand between the worst of the good people and the best of the bad ones

If your eyes are blinded with your worries you cannot see the beauty of the sunset.

We are obliged to regard many of our original minds as crazy at least until we have become as clever as they are.

Anyone that has a job that takes them away from home, I think, can understand the difficulties in maintaining consistency, not only with your family and those you love but with your friends.

I feel so bad for him [Bernie Sanders]. It's really unfortunate that he's been caught in the crossfire here.

I'm a musician - I'm always making music. Kobe Bryant is always playing ball. Well, Snoop Dogg is always recording.