Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I made my name”. What does this mean? It means you were not concerned with conquering the world as much as you were dedicated with conquering yourself

Don’t surrender your life to a Face, a Farce, a Fence or a Force. Don’t be a Slave, be Brave.

A closed heart opens no mind.

I know where I come from, where I am now and where the wish to go.

If you want to challenge the system, don't go to bed with it.

A horse herd was, in its very essence, the manifestation of the expression 'It's always something.

I pride myself on being incorrigible. I have a very hard time being told what to do.

A "classic" is a book that everybody praises but nobody has read

On a related subject, Signore Pazzi, I must confess to you: I'm giving serious thought to eating your wife.