At Cambridge, you have to kiss the vice-chancellor's fingers. But I missed out on that, 'cause I was doing a matinee. I don't want to kiss a strange man's fingers anyway.

I believe in the separation of church and planet.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate

Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital. ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing. I try and share anything I have.

Life took over 4 billion years to evolve into you, and you've about 70 more years to enjoy it. Don't just pursue happiness, catch it.

Never do things for money. It's always the things you do for love that turn out to pay the best.

Life has a very simple plot: first you're here and then you're not.

I've got soggy thighs. It must be dinner time.

A child is conceived in a womb of a woman, miraculously, in sacred moment of conception.

God of the green pastures and the still waters, please don't help me. I want to do it by myself so that You'll know I've found something I can do for You ... I am David. Amen.

Sorrowful tears drench the earth, rise again in the form of hope

A successful self-publisher must fill three roles: Author, Publisher, and Entrepreneur—or APE.

There are a lot of people who that you may only nod to; it's better to stop and say hello.

Anyone who speaks in the name of others is always an impostor.

All young women begin by believing they can change and reform the men they marry. They can't.

Not to have been born is undoubtedly best, but sound sleep is second best.

My access to music when I was growing up was through pirate radio, you know, transistor radio under the pillow, listening to one more and then 'just one more' until your favourite track comes on.

How many things are there which I do not want.