At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

When I consider writing I sometimes wonder why doesn't everybody do it, other times I wonder why does anybody do it.

Beggar that I am I am even poor in thanks.

Acquire worldly wisdom and adjust your behavior accordingly. If your new behavior gives you a little temporary unpopularity with your peer group then to hell with them.

Even if I make a gospel album, my gospel songs are going to get you dancing and crunk.

The object and practice of liberty lies in the limitation of government power.

When one is overfed and another one is hungry, I call that a disaster.

Everybody knows that love goes away.

I'm in a position where - I mean, not a lot of people are in a very fortunate position - where I kind of have the power to choose what I want to do in a way.

I can understand; you are really in a mess and there is no way out. I have heard that there are three rings of love: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer-ring.

I don't know why people think I'm polished - I often leave the house with buttons missing and ladders in my tights.