At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Life works with balance. If you give and receive out of giving, you create a balance with life. You serve life, before you expect life to serve you.

When you broadcast your book reading voluntarily, it creates moments of fascinating serendipity.

You can't wait for the end of your problems for you to be present. It has to be done whereever you are - which is now

You can't worry about pleasing other people; you have to please yourself.

In the old patrician world there was a custom once a week you had to eat a meal with your slaves and get to know them as people.

I think Mitch Hedberg is one of the great comedians of the past 20 years.

God knows it's a sign of a really sick mind to see grown people, adults with responsibilities, wearing class rings.

I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night.

At the end of the day, it's about the reader's attachment to and belief in the magical elements that make or break magical realism.

What is assumed to be the materialisation of the inner truth of the self is in fact an idealisation of the material - objectified - traces of consumer choices.