At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Success is subjective, so define it for yourself. Don’t allow your life efforts to be dictated and judged according to other people’s standards.

Women still dream and hope, pin their emotions on some man who doesn't reciprocate, and end up in confusion.

The tears come to my eyes so fast, there's just no way to stop them.

It was while bent over, trying to breathe through the pain of bruised ribs, with the sensation of spit running down his cheek that Jason decided he was going to die.

When people hit on feeling a certain melancholy or elation, it's a really exciting moment. I think making that connection is the goal, and what makes something great.

Oh, you think the darkness is your ally, but you merely adopted the dark. I was born in it. Molded by it.

Nothing on earth in fiction is less interesting than characters under the influence of alcohol.

My mother was a modern woman with a limited interest in religion. When the sun set and the fast of the Day of Atonement ended, she shot from the synagogue like a rocket to dance the Charleston.

French women love bread and would never consider a life without carbs.

Sanctions aren't about weapons of mass destruction. People need to understand that.