At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Music and symbols, they're older than human race.Prehuman beings used them to teach early mankind.

The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy.

Ladies, I'll let you in on a lil secret: guys don't notice your nails.

I have more self-confidence than I did when I was in my 20s.

When work resonates with a person, whether it is literature or film or music, then they want to know more about the artist. That's very natural.

I just sat there letting that music cover me like a big, cozy blanket.

Every time I tried to tell you the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say I love you in a song.

As a filmmaker I cannot make anything beautiful. I'm Platonic in that sense.

The end of consumerism and accumulation is the beginning of the joy of living.