At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Nothing great could ever be achieved, without personal force, determined spirit and self-confidence.

Perhaps of all the most basic elements of music, rhythm most directly affects our central nervous system.

America's health care system is the most complicated and expensive in the world.

Churches, depending on their policy, can do fantastic work with people in the community.

I spent so much of my life shut down from the abuse of my childhood. I didn't have friends and I didn't have connections with people.

Wiser, never wise. Smarter, never smart.

Men are but children of a larger growth.

I went to Europe and, as I've been told, ate my way out of a career.

Pearls ... have a way of dying when separated from their owner.

Half the fun is plan to plan