At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

My comebacks aren't nearly as sharp as my shiv. Come inside and I'll show you.

Despair is a cruel companion. It robs you of everything

I knew that by this time tomorrow, I was going to be eternally grateful for falling down the stairs and knocking myself unconscious. Smartest dumbest thing I'd ever done.

I have absolutely no objection to performance and success as long as they don't become false idols and threaten to rule our lives.

I've been trying to pick up painting but it's hard.

People are afraid to spend money now because they dont know how long theyre going to be working.

They all settled into being the kind of friends when they heard from each other.... or when they occasionally got together. And when they were not in touch, they did not think of one another.

A dog that has rabies probably will do things it wouldn't do if it didn't have rabies. But that doesn't change the fact that it has rabies.

You can’t shine if you don’t burn.

Zidane is the master. Over the past 10 years, there's been no-one like him, he has been the best player in the world.