Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You will have a lot of difficulties in achieving goals if you are indecisive and if you are afraid of incorrect actions

God rewards those who put Him first and seek to do His will.

The virtue of dress rehearsals is that they are a free show for a select group of artists and friends of the author, and where for one unique evening the audience is almost expurgated of idiots.

I constantly doubt myself. I only feel confident in front of the camera.

Obviously the current approach on steroids both in professional sports and amateur sports is not working.

It is hard to utter common notions in an individual way.

If a leader engages in sinful activity that becomes the standard, if he is strict that becomes the standard.

Familiarity with evil breeds not contempt but acceptance.

Accident is design / And design is accident / In a cloud of unknowing.

I'm a fiscal hawk. I vote against all taxes, but I do believe the environment, and climate change, is a bigger issue than fiscal deficits are as a risk to the nation.