Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Wealth is a byproduct of wealth-oriented education, ideas, and thoughts.

They thrived on the rapid turnover of acquaintances, the lack of involvement with others, and the total self-sufficiency of lives which, needing nothing, were never dissapointed.

The only revolution that will change anything is a revolution of perception.

Without despair, we will share, and the joys of caring will not be erased. What has been, must never end, the joys of caring will not be replace.

In order for American Pie to have worked, you have to have a character who, even while he is humping a pie, the audience still likes

According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that's called being a Democrat

My mantra is, 'This or something better.'

I actually get venereal disease more often than most people catch colds.

I want every day to be a fresh start on expanding what is possible.

Music and friends are the most important to me really, it's all I ever do.