Aw, how could he Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico.

Someday, the Chicago Cubs are going to be in the World Series...

Hello again, everybody... It's a bee-yoo-tiful day for baseball.

Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?

What does a mama bear on the pill have in common with the World Series? No cubs.

It could be, it might be... It is, A home run!

I knew the profanity used up and down my street would not go over the air... So I trained myself to say 'Holy Cow' instead.

I don't know what the big deal about Cracker Jack is. Did you ever go buy a pack of Cracker Jack, thinking you'd get a prize and find no prize in the box? (pause) Here's the pitch.

Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of something bad.

I'll tell you what's helped me my entire life. I look at baseball as a game. It's something where people can go out, enjoy and have fun. Nothing more.

Scott Bullett, as he takes left field, is getting congratulations from everybody. He and his daughter are parents of a new baby.

The more you can have control over your ego rather than let it run amuck, the more successful you’ll be in all areas of life.

When banana's don't work, try a cookie.

We must vote for hope, vote for life, vote for a brighter future for all of our loved ones.

As long as you have capital punishment there is no guarantee that innocent people won't be put to death.

Comics, a lot of them, are really depressed people, and I happen to be somebody that does have a lot of confidence. That's the odd thing about my stand-up. I am very confident. I always was.

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.

Those who laugh the hardest are often the most unhappy.

Led Zeppelin has been there through three generations of teenage angst. And there's a generation of kids now who won't know it, post-Linkin Park.

I think that England made a very big, historical mistake to allow itself to become the kind of terrorist capital of the world.

We will compromise and compromise and compromise but we will never be compromised.