Awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I realise that a certain school of thought says that who we are is something we construct for ourselves. We build our self out of what we think we remember.

Who dares nothing need hope for nothing.

A nice blend of prediction and surprise seem to be at the heart of the best art.

I want a life that makes music - not just practices the piano.

Homosexuals want their depraved 'values' to become our children's values. Homosexuals expect society to embrace their immoral way of life. Worse yet, they are looking for new recruits!

No man has a right to fix the boundary of the march of a nation; no man has a right to say to his country - thus far shalt thou go and no further.

Meanwhile, the Bush dynasty comes to an official end.

It's not possible in a free country to completely control the border without us losing our freedoms and liberties.

He can stop me in my tracks, but he can't make me do someting I don't want to

Maybe I'm just sensitive to that person who's on the outside.