BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Determine how you are going to measure your success.

Real love will take you far beyond yourself

I could not persuade her that a place does not merely exist, that it has to be invented in one's imagination.

We've got enough going on in our lives today without stressing about things that might or might not happen tomorrow

It isn't an easy business (...) Love, he said finally. I was referring to love, Rebecca.

If after accepting the spiritual master and being initiated one does not follow the rules and regulations of devotional service, then he is again fallen.

One of the fondest expressions around is that we can't be the world's policeman. But guess who gets called when suddenly someone needs a cop.

My little animal secrets must remain my little animal secrets. How I do my nails, that is really my business.

America is not a land of money but of wealth-not a land of rich people, but of successful workers.

Stem cell research has become such a polarizing issue in America... and I wanted to bring it down to the personal level, instead of the political.