Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

The first rule of marriage: solve the mystery, end the love.

It's embarrassingly plain how inadequate language is.

Our doubts are traitors, and make us loose the good that we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.

Nothing is a matter of life and death except life and death.

My view is that marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman. That's the position I've had for some time, and I don't intend to make any adjustments at this point... Or ever, by the way.

I have no intention of ending my career in a rooming house, with full scrapbooks and an empty stomach.

I never lose sight of the fact that before I was a writer, I was a teacher. I still am. My classroom's just gotten a little bigger.

Education, introspection, self-love and excellence are the only ways to overcome the wrath of ignorance

I practiced saxophone eight hours a day for the first two years I played.

One feels like crawling on all fours after reading your work.