Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social enviroment. Most people are incapable of forming such opinions.", 1953)

To happy convents, bosomed deep in vines, Where slumber abbots, purple as their wines.

My favorite work is The Full Monty because I got an Oscar for it. But it was really hard work at the time. Sometimes comedy is not a bundle of laughs to actually do.

I tasted the bread and wine of equality.

There are so many disagreements in the world, but I like the idea of people agreeing on something like art.

You keep on balancing and balancing and balancing until the picture wins, because then the subject's turned into the picture.

Classics can be phenomenal when done right. A simple roast chicken dish could be the best thing you ever eat.

I had to come up with some criteria to help me; i.e., what the favor was, if it was legitimate, if it was in no way compromising, and if there would be a benefit some way by my participation.

I am a natural optimist but there were times when (it seemed like) I was doing nothing but adding up on the back of envelope what I had to pay this month.

Ohio, you're too white, too many white people to be in any way meaningful in a presidential election.