Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

To become a better you, never let the attitude of pride linger around your ambitions.

Do you get the irony?Who is now talking about, who ain't serious?Oh, we gonna do that and that and that and that?… Yeah, yeah You just wanna trick me one more time….

The propensity to truck, barter and exchange one thing for another is common to all men, and to be found in no other race of animals.

I'll sleep when no one wants to hire me!

No matter what's offered to me, I would never in a million years be the big headed Hollywood type.

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.

If people are constantly reading about you, and you're overexposed, they've got no reason to go see your movies. Also, it's not pleasant or nice to have your privacy invaded.

I have never let gender get in my way.

The word must be heard in silence; there must be darkness to see the stars.