Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

I laughed when I read about being born with two hearts, one of which is devoted only to destroying humanity.

Then, who is Matilda?' I asked.Toby tilted his cup and poked at the slush with his straw. 'I suppose Matilda's the girl who felt like home.

Design my own line? No, I just like the culture.

I used to want to be a lawyer, but I didn't want to have half my brain sucked out.

If you're up against a smart opponent, make him think himself to death.

What is the best way to go beyond self-interest and obsession with personal demands, needs and disappointments? The answer is: Whatever you do, may it benefit everyone.

I like writing about the issues we all bump up against as we get older, but I try to present them in a fun way.

I've got to be the geekiest guy in the world in a lot of ways. I'm like a zeta male.

An ounce of mirth is worth a pound of sorrow.

Each holy temple stands as a symbol of our membership in the Church, as a sign of our faith in life after death, and as a sacred step toward eternal glory for us and our families.