Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I thought I understood what was best. I knew too little and believed too soon.

You're a song written by the hands of God.

No person can maximize the American Dream on the minimum wage.

God's the seamstress that tailor-fitted my pain.

Oh yeah, I believe in God. I think there's much more evidence that there is a God than that there isn't. I don't believe that Mother Theresa and Hitler go to the same place.

For Satan always finds some mischief still for idle hands to do.

Americans are now certifiably insane. They are crazy. They are suffering a mass psychosis. They have lost their own ability to discern right from wrong.

Art is doing something you really believe in.

The US and the European Union needs to help in the translation of the demand for democracy into a political will.

No one should feel pride in anything that is not his own.