Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The challenge is to resist circumstances. Any idiot can be happy in a happy place, but moral courage is required to be happy in a hellhole.

How to "change the world" in two words: S.T.A.R.T. N.O.W.1. START - Serve. Thank. Ask. Receive. Trust.2. NOW - No Opportunity Wasted

To recongnize that the treachery of one member of a house does not taint all born within it

Artist, be brave! Go and make the most of what you do best!

I could spend a whole day at a spa. Id get a facial, a scalp rub, massages, then eat some grapes and be good to go.

I'd love to teach theatre arts.

Michael Anthony is the Diplomat of Rock N Roll. He is the regular guy.

Observe a method in the distribution of your time. Every hour will then know its proper employment, and no time will be lost

Pessimism is a waste of time.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.