Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager... Boy, was I wrong!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

If the human heart sometimes finds moments of pause as it ascends the slopes of affection, it rarely halts on the way down.

Whatever you desire is possible. You only need to begin dreaming.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

The relationship between father and his daughter - there is no other love like it and there never ever will be. It's beyond unconditional and is the best form of love there is.

A person loves to talk about his illnesses although that is the least interesting part of his life.

[Obamacare] has to be enforced because nobody wants it. This is the nature of progressive government they don't care if it's not good for you. It's good for them.

Ironically, we are all too often educated out of rather than in to an awareness of the body.

Trying to make the NBA is one of the very few areas where a Harvard degree won't necessarily help.

I own the soft impeachment.

My first joint I smoked onstage in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I smoked my first joint live.