Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Believe in God and in yourself and then success will not pass you by

Inheritance and culture obscure people’s higher capacities.

His older self had taught his younger self a language which the older self knew because the younger self, after being taught, grew up to be the older self and was, therefore, capable of teaching.

Technology brought in the mass media and technology is now taking it away.

You will be reborn. You will come from the inner to the outer again. This process goes on indefinitely.

Fake sympathy is the politicians demanding more cash as they ignore the underlying crisis. They prefer money over morality.

The point of any religion should be this: how to open your heart to love.

I like being broken. It means I can have chocolate for breakfast.

You weren't created to be unhappy in order to keep everyone else happy. Run your own race.

If I can catch him once upon the hip, I will feed fat the ancient grudge I bear him.