Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Some men may be unready for the coming of the genie who grants three wishes.

I understand (finally) that God does not REACT to prayers or petitions. He has ACTED. It is already done.

Positive culture comes from being mindful, and respecting your coworkers, and being empathetic.

It is better to begin in the evening than not at all.

I desire that on no occasion ... shall demonstrations of a political or religious character be made before my remains.

To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.

Bernard was right. The germ is nothing, the terrain is everything.

A new calling can beckon us away from comfortable routine and from competencies already acquired.

People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.

Job endured everything - until his friends came to comfort him, then he grew impatient.