Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Funny is an attitude.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Not smoking is not an achievement. Like virginity, it comes standard.

I am not afraid of anything in the world. But I'm afraid of myself, afraid of what I will be in the future.

Robin Williams understands sonic performances. He understands what it's like to change your voice up.

I've spent a lot of time off planet.

I noticed you tore down Donovan's house." He lifted his gaze until it locked with mine. "He's alive because he left town. His house chose to stay. It paid the price.

Only stupid questions create wealth.

I am circumcised, and I tell you something, I despise it. I despise it. I despise it... I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised.

I love money, but will money ever love me in return?

Worthy things happen to the worthy.

It is better to be at odds with the whole world than, being one, to be at odds with myself.