...Being a father is the most exciting, amazing thing that ever happened to me.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Unless the she-wolf agrees, there’s always a chance of rejection.

be kind, even when others are not, It empowers them to become a better version of themselves.

That's all science fiction was ever about. Hating the way things are, wanting to make things different.

Osby wasn't considered the smartest man in Eads County. But the no one . . . knew him well enough to realize that he wasn't all that far from it either.

Your greatest enemy is your own relection

Because the truth is, today's immigrants, as they have for generation after generation, work the longest hours at the hardest jobs for the lowest pay, jobs that are just about impossible to fill.

As the audience, I always love to get to a point where, surprisingly, I find myself in a secret friendship allegiance with the characters that are unexpected.

My life has been one long descent into respectability.

Some people are used to having things done for them by her parents, I am not. I can do it myself.

The essence of poetry is invention; such invention as, by producing something unexpected, surprises and delights.