Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

I take your name whenever i give example of perfection...

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

I think people have all faced decisions at times where you never know.

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.

I grew up thinking there was one unpardonable sin – to be boring.

I think a moment of critical energy has suddenly emerged. But moments like this come and go unless we seize them at their height.

The only business of the historian is to relate things exactly as they are: this he can never do as long as he is afraid

Philosophy ... should not pretend to increase our present stock, but make us economists of what we are possessed of.

The relations between countries in the coming decade are most likely to reflect their cultural commitments, their cultural ties and antagonism with other countries.

The Jews had, as a matter of fact, long been all along the most ingenious entrepreneurs. It was only our own future that we had never built upon a business basis.