Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Action and blood now get the game. Disdain treads on the peaceful name.

Actions reveal… If you have to TELL me you’re honest, caring, generous, spiritual, kind, loving, and a good person... you’re doing it wrong.

Be happy but when sad times come, know that God allow these time for self-realisation.

But that is what these people do - the Steves of this world - they all try and make something out of nothing. and they all do it for themselves.

...this clumsy collision of two very impatient forms of ignorance was known as the quarrel of Science and Religion.

So, I'm getting less chips, paying the same amount of money. Is that legal for them to do this?

This country is heaven, in the spiritual sense of the word. And I say, we prefer to die in heaven than survive in hell.

You're at the top of your game if you do comedy.

Sometimes you have to go outside your field of study to find the right people.

I really and truly believe that music represents humanity’s soul.