Being an umpire is like being a king. It prepares you for nothing.

No one ever grew up intending to be an umpire, except perhaps my friend Bill Haller. His brother Tom wanted to be a catcher, so an affinity for masks must run in that family.

Umpiring is best described as the profession of standing between two seven-year olds with one ice cream cone.

The practical joke is the psychiatry of baseball.

Throwing people out of a game is like learning to ride a bicycle--once you get the hang of it, it can be a lot of fun.

Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is . . . well, an umpire.

Umpire's heaven is a place where he works third base every game. Home is where the heartache is.

One reason I never called balks is that I never understood the rule.

Lou Piniella only argues on days ending with the letter 'y'.

I never called a balk in my life. I didn't understand the rule.

If it's true you learn from your mistakes, Jim Frey will be the best manager ever

And in the sin of wantingalways to be right, the punishmentis knowing it isn't possible.

The law has no compassion. And justice is administered without compassion.

What physics looks for: The simplest possible system of thought which will bind together the observed facts.

It is easier to overcome people's judgments than to overcome our own self-judgment.

Instead, we were given a publication called the Weekly Reader, which was like a newspaper for four-foot illiterates.

Make people's portraits in familiar and typical attitudes.

It's hard when you look a certain way. I look All-American, sweet, girl-next-door, so naturally those are the parts that are going to land on my doorstep.

When I'm alone, I work sometimes with music, sometimes without and sometimes just listening to NPR.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I love romantic comedies. I know how terrible they are, but I love them! And I don't think that makes me less of a feminist.