Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

We are fragile creatures, and it is from this weakness, not despite it, that we discover the possibility of true joy.

The mark of a legitimate revolution - the scientific, for example - was that it didn't brag about its revolutionariness but simply occurred.

I want you to stay. I need you to go.

If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.

There are problems that just end up being really hard and by definition the only problems that come to my desk are the ones that nobody else can solve.

Software engineering is the establishment and use of sound engineering principles to obtain economically software that is reliable and works on real machines efficiently.

Let me say again that the relationship is asymmetrical: there's no democracy without a market economy, but you can have a market economy without democracy.

Imagine it. Use all your strength and imagine it exactly. And it will happen that way.

Bring the genius of the rich to unleash the genius of the poor.