Being on TV and getting everything paid for are the two reasons to do it with us instead of the court of law.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Knowledge is half the battle. The application of knowledge is the other half. (1998)

Beauty is a life-long evolution.

Blind aggressiveness would destroy the attack itself, not the defense.

When we stage the Olympics it will inspire kids all over the country. A kid in Scotland or Ireland will be encouraged to take up sport.

My father would have been made a bishop much earlier than he was had it not been for me and my image.

Everything we do has a result. But that which is right and prudent does not always lead to good, nor the contrary to what is bad.

Self-respecting men and women think about the consequences of their actions-and are willing to take responsibility for them.

The most important thing in coaching is communication. It's not what you say as much as what they absorb.

Elizabeth lifted her skirt, disregarding modesty, and delivered a swift kick to the creature's head.

I love bows, … And I feel some couture pots coming on.