Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

The realization that my parents, too, felt pain and fear frightened me more than any strangers could.

The enemy of science is not religion. Religion comes in endless shapes and forms... The true enemy is the substitution of thought, reflection, and curiosity with dogma.

If only I could leave everything as it is, without moving a single star or a single cloud. Oh, if only I could!

Public health is purchasable. Within a few natural and important limitations any community can determine its own health.

If you want to be successful at being yourself, you’re going to have to take a chance on not being like everyone else.

I was born into a world of art. I always thought that in life, you breathe, you eat, you go to sleep and you draw.

That's the terrible thing about growing up. You lose friends. It's inevitable. It's not like it's a surprise. But it is terrible.

People think because 'Vice' is irreverent and because we're crazy, we're stunt journalists. You know what? I don't actually care.

You have to take seriously the notion that understanding the universe is your responsibility, because the only understanding of the universe that will be useful to you is your own understanding.

Instead of trying to see things my way, I try to see things her [wife's] way, and if it honestly makes sense then I will submit to her instead of being a tyrant and a dictator.