Being reproached for giving to an unworthy person, Aristotle said, I did not give it to the man, but to humanity.

Cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Curiosity is one of the most permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous intellect.

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.

When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

Classical quotation is the parole of literary men all over the world.

A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad marksman who, instead of aiming a single stone at an object, takes up a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit.

There are minds so impatient of inferiority that their gratitude is a species of revenge, and they return benefits, not because recompense is a pleasure, but because obligation is a pain.

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.

He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts.

A man may follow vanity as truly in the counting-house as in the theatre. If he be spending his life in amassing wealth, he passes his days in a vain show.

You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming.

I always know where the scissors are.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

I can say with unwavering certitude that I have never started a pint of Ben 'n Jerry's ice cream that I didn't finish in its entirety within 6 minutes.

You don’t have to run faster than the bear to get away. You just have to run faster than the guy next to you.

I had a bunch of different hair colors. I was experimenting to see what I liked. It started off brown, then I did red, then I got really, really blonde!

My basic political posture is "what a shame the human race did this to earth." What we have done environmentally, politically, culturally.

In an easy matter. Anybody can be eloquent.

Forward my mail to Mars.