Benchley and I had an office in the old Life magazine that was so tiny, if it were an inch smaller it would have been adultery.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The only dependable law of life - everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

Grateful people are happy people. The more things you are grateful for, the happier you will be.

Pick the things you do in this day wisely.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Half the time men think they are talking business, they are wasting time.

In the fields of opportunity it's plowing time again.

If the father is not straight naider will be the son.

No one can have a peaceful life who thinks too much about lengthening it.

The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.

You know why divorces are so expensive? They're worth it.