Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

The Lord replied, "The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.

It's the biggest party in the world, and you have to keep the whole thing percolating, which is difficult because a lot of awards most people don't care about.

If cyberspace can screw with you, it will.

Chess, like mathematics and music, is a nursery for child prodigies.

I like coming to the United States because the United States played an important role in my life.

I am not very introspective.

Are there sexual fetishes that involve books? There must be. I try not to imagine how they might work.

Do you wake up in the morning and first thing, centre yourself by looking at your palms together? Thereby have a nice day.

I love doing the show more than anything. It's truly the most satisfying thing creatively that I've ever had in my life.

Lutheranism is essentially German... It worships a God who is neither just nor merciful.