Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

The mystery in "Eyes of your Eyes" can never be found in the interstellar space unless you encounter timelessness.

alone doesn't mean lonely. It just means alone. It just means that for now, you're on your own, and that's not a terrible thing.

No man should tell a lie unless he is shrewd enough to recognize the time for renouncing it, if and when it comes, and knows how to renounce it gracefully.

All that is left is to us is our being horrified at the loss of our sense of horror.

Ideally you want to be a couple of months ahead on a project. But I rarely am.

Start calling yourself healed, happy, whole, blessed, and prosperous. Stop talking to God about how big your mountains are, and start talking to your mountains about how big your God is!

God helping me, I will help my brothers and sisters in Christ, because they are my brothers and sisters.

Anyone can get a degree or a certificate in something. Big deal. A piece of paper from a university somewhere doesn't define a person. It won't tell you who I am.

My daughter told me she wasn't afraid of spider but that she was afraid of my smoking. She said that she was afraid of my dying.

I would never feel comfortable doing my own makeup for a party or a big event, that's for sure. I'm really good at doing it to go to the grocery store.