Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

They say time will make all this go away. But it's time that's taken my tomorrow, and turned them into yesterday.

Change is a friend to a life with a vision, but an enemy to an aimless person.

The words democracy, socialism, freedom, patriotic, realistic, justice have each of them several different meanings which cannot be reconciled with one another.

The generality of men expend the early part of their lives in contributing to render the latter part miserable.

By education most have been misled.

I've never signed a contract, so never have a deadline. A deadline's an unnerving thing. I just finish a book, and if the publisher doesn't like it, that's his privilege.

Take me and cast me where you will; I shall still be possessor of the divinity within me, serene and content.

I've read that same formula, but as an athlete I'm classified as phenomenal. You could look it up.

I love food, all food, everything about food. I enjoy going to the market and having what's in front of me - what's fresh, seasonal - tell me what I'm cooking.

My religious faith remains in possession of the field only after prolonged civil war with my naturally skeptical mind.