Bigfoot loves celebrities. You just have to bring celebrities that Bigfoot loves. It would probably be just gorgeous women.

I would host a show where I take famous people out into the woods every week to find Bigfoot. I would do that. And you know what? We would find him in like a week.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

You know the awkward class photo when you're sitting there for your school picture and you're 14 or something and you've got braces, and you don't know how to smile, and you've got a hard-on.

I've stolen a lot. Let me think about the best thing I've stolen. Stolen a lot of hearts.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.

Most monuments are not something you're going to keep me out of. And I go to a lot of monuments.

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

I've seen Jaws [movie], like, 800 times. And I love it.

That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

Don't ever use duct tape on your privates. That's what I always tell people.

Hope is the beautiful dream of the soul.

To love and not be loved

I think you must make a few [mistakes]. Of you don't, you're probably thinking too much. That's the worst mistake you can make.

Accept what makes you happy and pay no attention to fearful beliefs no matter who they come from.

If we have no friends, we have no pleasure; and if we have them, we are sure to lose them, and be doubly pained by the loss.

What is masculine and what is feminine, anyway?

I can always tell if a band has a British rhythm section due to the gritty production.

I'll know when I find the ultimate sound.

Memories are contrary things; if you quit chasing them and turn your back, they often return on their own.

I know my father and my mother, but beyond that I cannot go. My ancestry is blurred.