Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

...heaven wouldn’t be like this earth, this tormented earth ruled by evil forces that tossed humanity to and fro like a slow clown in a two-bit rodeo.

And they said one to another We are verily guilty concerning our brother in that we saw the anguish of his soul when he besought us and we would not hear.

Could be. I’m a pretty dangerous dude when I’m cornered.” “Yeah,” said the voice from under the table, “you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.

The twentieth century saw the emergence of a Churchless Mission and a Missionless Church

O, we all acknowledge our faults, now; 'tis the mode of the day: but the acknowledgment passes for current payment; and therefore we never amend them.

Believe, meditate, see. Be harmless, be blameless. Awake to the law. And from all sorrows free yourself.

We are always doing something for posterity, but I would fain see posterity do something for us.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

Religion was no cure for dysfunction.

I'm constantly saying to myself, 'I'm lucky I was born in the United States.