Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You do not become outstanding by working on your weaknesses.You become outstanding by focusing entirely on your strengths.

Tears don't bring people back." Pain stabs from my chest to my fingertips."Tears aren't for the people we've lost. They are for us. So that we can remember and celebrate and miss them and feel human.

Sadness indeed paves to a philosophical thinking.

New opinions are always suspected and usually opposed without any other reason but because they are not already common.

No new sect ever had humor; no disciples either, even the disciples of Christ.

Everything is connected to everything else. Everything must go somewhere. Nature knows best. There is no such thing as a free lunch.

I think accessibility is what often denies horror its deserved attention. So it all depends on the execution and whether mainstream audiences can accept it.

The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards.

What is history, indeed, but a record of change?

Vision and the ability to mobilize and inspire people at the grassroots. That's what the most important criteria is going to be for any DNC chair.